It's quite normal for us to feel depressed after the end of a marriage. After all, we all need to grieve over what we have lost. Can you imagine saying goodbye to someone you promised to love until death separates you, but only to have that shattered earlier than you ever anticipated...your happily ever after gone into the wind. I would be lying if I didn't admit that a breakdown of a marriage hurts and causes a great deal of intense pain. You may be feeling depressed, going through tub after tub of ice cream and watching re runs of romantic tv shows and films, crying into your tissue and asking yourself, How do I cope after divorce?, how do I cope after a separation?, how do I cope after my relationship breakdown? Will I ever heal?
Then again, when we go through depression after divorce, we cannot allow it to linger on. While it shouldn't be held against you to have a roller coaster of emotions following a breakup, it is vital for you and your health to be able to move on. A divorce recovery coach and mentor can help you navigate this sometimes tumultuous journey and at times you may need to consult with your GP to ensure the break up has not resulted in clinical depression, which is a completely different ball game and requires decisive medical attention.
If it has been established that you are not clinically depressed but rather "blue" on account of your break up, Here are some tips to help you cope with divorce more effectively:
Write down what you feel
Writing is one of the best therapeutic remedies in the entire world. It's an outlet where you can pour down all of your emotions and be alone with your thoughts. As great as it is to have someone to talk to, sometimes, seeking solitude is one of the best things you can do for yourself, especially as it helps you reconnect with your positive sense of self as you begin to unravel who you really are or want to be.
One of the best things you can write down is a farewell letter to anything, anyone and everything else that isn't the same following your divorce. You might want to say goodbye to your role as a husband or wife, seeing your children everyday and events you celebrated as a family.
You might also want to say farewell to the in-laws you wouldn't see during special occasions anymore, your ex and some of your friends.
Writing a farewell letter is one of the most courageous things you can do as it allows you to face the fears you have with regards to the end of your marriage. You can decide to deliver it or just write and throw it away as an act symbolising for emptying your soul from the past and creating space for your new future.
Write down something to be happy about
While the previous tip had you dealing with emotions from the past, this one shows you to deal with your future. It's a great exercise to remember the past but it's an even better one to think about the things yet to come, as well as the things you're happy not to be living with anymore.
For example, let's say when you were married, you were responsible for co-ordinating a whole load of sporting activities for your children like swimming classes, ballet, football, gymnasticss, and occasionally, you even had to prepare a feast for game or sleepover days. You can list down being happy at not being exhausted thinking of a menu to serve and rising up earlier than usual to start preparations for the event including drop offs and pick ups .
Or, you can even list down some annoying habits your spouse did that you are thankful you wouldn't experience anymore. For example, you can say you are thankful that you no longer have to deal with your partner's constant nose-picking at the dinner table. Now this is in a lighter mood, you may have more annoying habits you found exceptionally irritating and are now glad to be rid of.
Apart from the habits and traditions that you are fine living without, list down things that you are looking forward to as well. For example, now that you are single again and have some time to yourself, maybe you can look forward to actually finishing that book you bought five years ago. Or, maybe taking up that hobby that you could never do before? Travel the world, embark upon a cruise, do a research doctorate on the ancient people of the Inca tribe or just relearn how to take care of you using mindful and deliberate self care techniques.
Make time for social contact
While there will be periods when you would rather be left alone, it's important that you get in touch with friends to have dinner, go for coffee, watch a movie, etc. It will take time to heal and get over a marriage but having other people around you helps make the process a whole lot easier and less traumatic.
Schedule activities for yourself
Whether you've always wanted to visit Berlin or go on a road trip, make time to do what you've always wanted. Divorce is sometimes a process of getting to know yourself again. Taking part in activities helps take your mind off things and allows you to regain parts of yourself that you have lost.
Seeing the end of your marriage is something that you never envisioned for yourself, but it is something that can happen to almost anyone. When you become divorce's next casuality please don't take on the expected victim mantle. This is a state that is easy to fall into especially when you have friends and famiy all telling you that you have been hard done by your ex.
However, believe me when I say that feeling or allowing yourself to be labelled as a victim of your divorce is one of the most self destructive stances you can take. I am sorry to break it to you, even in your pain, playing victim will prevent you from moving forward into a new life. Victimhood renders you powerless.
To be in a position to create a new life after your divorce takes a person who is fully responsible for their past, present and future. By being responsible I mean taking back control over one’s life. This is what it takes to both recover from the emotional wounds of a divorce as well as plan for your new life.
Sadly, if you consider yourself a victim then you believe that you had little to do with what happened to you. You take no responsibility. The responsibility is someone else’s and that leaves you with no power. Victims blame someone else. Talking from my personal experience when my marriage broke down, I was hurt, ashamed, felt rejected and sometimes down right angry when I remembered all the terrible and unfair things my ex did to me, however no matter how bad you think or know your ex was, if you play the blame game, blame seeks to absolve you of your part in the dissolution of your marriage. Trust me, blame will keep you stuck in the pain of the past and your divorce.
Like I said, you are not a victim so know that there is a time to grieve but it's much more important to understand that there is a time to move on.
Are you ready to take those steps to enable you move on?.
I can help you to move on, recover from the heartache you have suffered, reconnect with your positive sense of self and regain your feminine power. I have gone through a traumatic divorce myself and truly understand. I can to help you get past the mourning stage and work with you to create a road map to a brighter future, but the choice is yours.
If you would like to have an informal chat about it, don't hesitate to get in touch on +44 208 938 3672 and me or a member of my team will gladly schedule a Complimentary Believe and Live Again Coaching Discovery session or a no obligation 30 minutes "Forgive and Let Go" consultation and together, we could be embarking upon the Believe and Live Again 5 R's journey to heal your heart, outgrow your challenges and let go of the past so that your glorious future can finally emerge.
Once again, I invite you to contact me or schdeule a time to talk, call +44 (0) 208 938 3672 (24 hours) or click on the pink "Contact" at the bottom right hand side of this page and this will take you into my "Let's Talk" contact form . Kind fill in with all your details and you will get a call back.
Welcome to your Believe and Live Again 5'Rs Journey
Release, Reflect, Renew, Reinvigorate and Reinvent ™